Sunday, January 30, 2011
♥ Hope does not disappoint
I feel quite dumb posting twice in quick succession.
BUT ANYWAY. I'm gonna blabber my thoughts and hope I'm coherent, 'cos despite thinking about this last night and the whole of today, I'm still not quite clear yet. I don't know how to put this into words, but I must if not I'll just BOOMZ.
Hope doesn't disappoint...That's what the message was about. Yeah well...What is a threat to my faith? I can very easily answer this: disappointment. Not everyone's is this, but I'm very sure mine's disappointment. Every single time I falter, it is because I feel like God has failed me, because I feel that I have failed someone.
Why is it that all my life, I've been living under expectations? It's always that...expectations. What I expect of myself, what my parents expect of me, what my sisters expect of me, and thus, what I expect of God. I've always worried about what my parents would think, always worried about everyone around me...aish. You get the drift.
Umm, yeah anyway yesterday during ministry Krystle prayed for me and she reminded me of this. She was saying how God's love is more important than that..I just thought of all my disappointments in the past year, all the times I've set goals, but haven't met them...still haven't met them, in fact. My 3.6GPA, being a JPSL, being in house comm, rgpm, bowling capt...I kind of feel like I've failed. This year, even class chair.
I always thought I've forgiven [if this is the right word] myself [if I'm what I'm not happy with]; I always thought I'd forgiven God. Those were things I'd prayed night and day over. Then after that when I found out I didn't achieve it, all I thought was that this was simply not God's plan..or at least, that was what I was trying to convince myself.
I really really thought I had gotten over them, but now I think otherwise. I merely squashed my feelings in, which is bad..kinda. Idk I feel like I'm getting nowhere in this post...but umm yeah well. SUMMARY OF ABOVE: Never really forgave for all the disappointments in the past, all the times I've failed to do things I really expected me to be able to do.
Y'know, I've never considered disappointment as a trial before. But now that I know it, I probably know how to get over it as well.
Why is it, that as a kid, I always reveled in stories that told me my parents loved me even if I were to fail all my exams? It's the same for God, so I've come to the conclusion after much-much-much thought. [When I say much-much-much thought I'm not kidding :P]
God loves me, no matter what. And when failures come, it's the love of God..I know God is real 'cos of the love of God that will always restore. :) Yeah omg I cried quite badly ytd... :/ But I enjoyed the crying honestly. I haven't cried in months..pfft. I enjoy crying, yeah I'm weird.
I honestly don't know if I should post this, but yeah...
Hope does not disappoint.
5:29 AM
